Wolves Howl While Wee Persons Try to Register
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The North American Lupine Association (NALA), the largest wolf organization in the United States, is filing a complaint with the Federal Elections Commission (FEC) over the now famous anti-Kerry television ad which shows wolves waiting in the shadows to pounce on America if the weak flip-floppity Democratic candidate is elected. NALA chairman Rex, no last name, says in the filing that the name and likeness of the wolf (copyrighted) was taken without permission or compensation and used in a slurful manner. The advert, which the Bush campaign is airing in battleground states at a cost of a million dollars a day, implies, according to the NALA complaint, that wolves are terrorists or sympathetic to terrorists and also of the Islamic faith. According to Rex many are Christians although some who spend their time among Native Americans tend to be animists. The complaint points out that thousands of wolf relatives such as, but not limited to, Poodles, Dachshunds, Pekinese, Labrador Retrievers and Old English Sheep dogs are on active duty both here and in Iraq smelling out explosives, finding lost and wounded people and performing other vital jobs for the United States Army, including stepping in on an emergency basis to provide invaluable Arab-English translation services. The FEC said it could not comment on a pending case and the Pentagon said it will have nothing to say since wolves and/or dogs are involved in ongoing military operations. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld did remark in an off-the-record comment that the situation was a"bitch." The Republican National Committee called the NALA complaint a howl, charging that it was filed only after George Soros had made an enormous dog biscuit donation to the organization. When asked about the Soros connection Rex's assistant, Fangette, no last name, explained that the organization's chairman could not speak because his mouth was full but she knew the chairman hoped the FEC would not waste time pawing around with the NALA complaint but would get its teeth into it and act promptly. When queried about his alleged donation the multi-billionaire liberal businessman, who is a legal immigrant and thought to be heterosexual, merely laughed in what appeared to be a Hungarian accent.
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The nation's rickety election machinery was said by experts to be in even greater risk of degenerating into chaos with the appearance of a new group of voters. Within 24 hours of the announcement in the scientific magazine"Nature" that paleoanthropologists on the Indonesian island of Flores had discovered a hitherto unknown species of humans, election officials in the battleground states of Florida, Ohio, Nevada and New Mexico were surprised when thousands of these little, three-foot-high people turned up to register. Apparently they had been recruited by Moveon.org, a fiercely pro-Kerry organization. Republicans, led by Ted Olsen, the lawyer who screwed Gore in the Supreme Court the last time, immediately ran to Federal District Court and let go with a blizzard of motions. Olsen, who is regarded as a piece o' work, is claiming that the little men and women are too short to vote, that they are illegal aliens and that, given the size of their skulls, their pea brains cannot possibly comprehend the complicated issues at stake in this election. Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark, who is representing the Homo Florienses, as the scientists call them, countered that there are no issues in the campaign, thus making the Olsen charge irrelevant. This election is about who has the best character, Clark argues, adding that the wee people are good judges of this since they have lived simple honest lives for the past 13,000 years. Olsen answered that a test of character is a moral question and, since the wee people are not descended from anybody who got kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they have no souls and cannot possibly judge between good and bad. It is not clear if the wee people are Democrats or Republicans but they only have very small patches of pubic hair and thus are poor prospects for depilatories and wax jobs. Christers, Born Agains and Baptists of the heavy breathing variety cannot decide which side to come down on. Will allowing the wee people to vote strengthen creationism or evolutionism? While that question is being sorted out the churches are complaining to the National Academy of Science about having to cover their children's ears every time a professor refers to the wee people as"members of the genus Homo Erectus." Viagra officials, when questioned, said that they were satisfied with the name.