Archbishop Bush and the Shemale

Reports are coming in from here and there that Republican campaign workers are dressing up in Crusader costumes - - white doublets with large red crosses on their chests. Other reports from the same areas have it that these house-to-house canvassers are telling would be voters that if they cast their vote for George Bush they will increase their chances of being chosen one of the elect and therefore of getting into the high rent district post mortem. Another variant of this still not yet substantiated story is that the GOP workers are promising would be voters that a ballet with an X next to the President's name will get them fifteen years off of their sentences in purgatory, a place, it is believed by some, Christians must visit after they shuffle off ye olde mortal coil.

If this last story is accurate, it closely resembles the sale of indulgences, a practice which serious history readers will know so pissed off Martin Luther, the famous German gourmand, that he started a new religion and/or church depending on how you look at it, if you do. [For those who have not made history their personal bag, the person referred to is not the late civil rights leader, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who did not start a new church but a new freedom, which is different.]

On account of the possible arrival upstairs of a big Republican in-migration, rumors are rife in Rome and Washington that the Pope has offered to make President Bush an archbishop. One story has it that the offer was turned down because Condaleeza Rice thought that the Pope ought to have offered Mr. Bush a cardinal's red hat. Another piece of gossip making the rounds is that the Vatican was offended because, after the offer was made via confidential diplomatic back-channels, nothing was heard from the White House. Neither a yes nor a no. The reason, it seems, for Washington's failure to respond was confusion and, not for the first time, poor intelligence. Staff people in Karl Rove's office had heard that in order to become a Roman Catholic archbishop a candidate for that office must be able to certify that he has buggered at least two boys under the age of 15, or so the tongues of malice say. Apparently Rove's office did not know what to do. Should they ask the Vatican if that is indeed a qualification for being made an archbishop? Word of the reason for the White House's silence reached Rome which, it is whispered, sent off a message saying that in President Bush's case, one boy would be sufficient and the Sacred Rota would raise the age to 17. If these are the qualifications, a host of other difficult and sensitive questions arise, not the least of which is how will the President's evangelical, holy roller base take the news that Mr. Bush is a secret archbishop? Given the goings on in some born again manse houses you won't be hearing too much about what a person has to do to get the job.

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Question of the day: Do you believe that the Mossad is poisoning Yasir Arafat? If yes, what else do you believe? If no, do you believe in anything at all?

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The FBI, with an assist from the Department of Homeland Security, will soon announce the arrest of the members of a non-Moslem terror cell. The cell, composed of three men, three women and a maybe, was busted in the Buffalo suburb of Orchard Park about six weeks ago but their detention has been kept secret for national security reasons. An undisclosed number of them have admitted to being either atheists, agnostics or moral relativists.

Four insist that they are heterosexuals. Two say that they are gay but swear they have no plans to wed. The last member of this group, who are being called"persons of interest" by the Justice Department, is a 28-year old"shemale" who says that she/he is still working out certain identity problems and until that is done thoughts of romance and marriage are on hold. It is expected that the group which claims it was meeting to explore what it called"the scientific method" will be charged with having intentions to build a weapon of mass destruction or WMD. Their lawyers have protested that their clients did not have raw materials or equipment other than a book by Francis Bacon (1561-1625) in their possession. Bacon, who preached against family values, once wrote,"He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief."

Federal officials said that the seven in fact did have the key implement needed to make a WMD: brains.

Stay tuned.