The Noble Warriors Speak

I summarize.

Bill O'Reilly:

If the United States is going to defeat the terrorists, we need to have a total commitment to crushing the bastards. My study of history indicates that the role model we ought to adopt is that provided by one of the most noted liberators of the oppressed and a noble exemplar of freedom and individual rights. I speak, of course, of Genghis Khan.

And in defeating the terrorists, we must rid ourselves of this badly misplaced aversion to torture. Of course, we are better than the terrorists, so we should only use"harsh" interrogation techniques when the danger is"imminent." The government will define what"imminent" means after consulting with me.

We want history to note the crucial lesson of this period: the United States gloriously carried on the traditions left to us by Genghis Khan, and thus made the world a better place.

P.S. A divided America cannot win this conflict. I guess that means we'll have to do something about eradicating any form of dissent. I'll deal with that some other time.

Don't believe anything you've been reading over the last month or so. This administration is filled with individuals who are decent, intelligent and patriotic Americans, doing their honest best for the country. Anyone who says otherwise is a Bush-hater, and the only kind of criticism they have ever offered is that the Bushies are stupid, venal or crazy. These detestable Lefties and Paleo-Righties are obviously stupid and crazy themselves (and probably venal, too), so you can safely ignore them.

I am serenely optimistic about the war and its eventual outcome. And, no, I don't give a damn what the Arabs think about us, not any of them. We're only liberating them and giving them the gift of freedom, so who the hell cares what they think? Many people do not have my refined sensibilities.

And even if this war was not required for our national defense, it has had some wonderful benefits. A military is meant to be used, and soldiers want to fight. They're doing that now, so they're a lot better at killing and blowing things up than they would have been just carrying out those namby-pamby"peace-keeping" missions. One other thing: this war has shown how incredibly stupid it is to have men and women serving in the same unit, especially in combat zones. Pfc. England conclusively demonstrates that.

Abuse and torture? What abuse and torture? Of Arabs? I told you, I don't care about them. If only everyone had my broad, philosophical outlook. Then you wouldn't get bogged down in these ridiculous details.

Most people have reptilian brains. They just want to win. How pathetically superficial. They're not idealists and profound thinkers like me. I and a very few other special people understand how crucial it is to have a"strong particular ideology" that keeps you resolute, no matter what the hell the facts might show about how completely wrong your policies are. You shouldn't listen to any of the critics of our noble, valiant war plans, especially people like that loudmouth critic Michael Moore, or ex-generals. Ex-generals, I ask you. What the hell do they know compared to people like me and my friends?

History will realize how sound and wise our policies today were. By history, and since I am a deep thinker and a historian with the long view, I mean a decade from now. To be certain that our nobility is appreciated, though, we have to be much more serious about killing a lot of people and leveling places like Fallujah. We have to show them we mean it. This does not constitute approval of"mere force." It's simply the recognition that empty words or good intentions don't count for anything. The only thing that matters is action and the will to win. That means killing lots of people and blowing a bunch of things up.

We must stay true to our values. But since most people"think reptilian" and will only join us if they see us winning (how superficial can you be?), we have to beat the crap out of the bastards, any bastards. Then people will see how noble and wise we are. And since I am a profound thinker and a noted historian, I will close with these words from that unusually enlightened and noble political philosopher, Al Davis:"Just win, baby."