If Fidel Castro has been reading the news about North Korea and is half the dictator he's made out to be, he would announce posthaste not that he's just thinking about arming his little regime with nuclear firepower, or that he's in the process of arming his little regime with nuclear firepower, but that he has, in fact, already armed himself with the radioactive buggers. At least then the White House would get off his back, for it appears that dyspeptic tyrants who possess these horrific weapons are of less concern to the Bush administration than those who merely yearn for them. As added bonuses for Cuba--but to repeat, it has to get plutonium-happy first--the Bushies would adopt a new attitude of diplomatic judiciousness towards Fidel, as it has done for Kim Jong Il of North Korea, and begin dangling all manner of delicious, statesmanlike carrots.

Such are the ever-evolving permutations of moral clarity in the guidance of U.S. foreign policy. It's become impossible to keep up. In attempting to sort out contradictory nua nces stacked atop contradictory nuances in the pursuit of clarity--normally, nuances aren't key and necessary elements of holistic moral rectitude--St. Thomas Aquinas himself would unravel intellectually and emotionally. He'd be left a sobbing shell, forced to admit that articulated American foreign policy now outstrips even biblical scriptures in rhetorical incongruities and Byzantine complexity.

The administration's most recent angelic dance on a pinhead leaves one in awe. North Korea, schlemia. Sure it's a member of the tripartite axis of evil we no longer tolerate; yes, perhaps it's been in possession of nuclear bombs since 1993; yeah, it does oppress and starve its own people; yep, it threatens neighbors from time to time; and, for sure, the invasion date of 25 June 1950 still lingers in memory and victims. But, said a State Department spokesman, "at least sometimes [North Korea] is susceptible to international pressure"--for example, like discontinuing its nuclear development program as promised--so who in his right mind would contemplate anything other than a diplomatic response? We have all the time in the world to deal peacefully with this intolerable villain.

On the other hand, says the White House, nukeless Iraq is a tremendous threat to international peace requiring immediate measures, of which diplomacy should be the least considered. Let's take a for instance. Unlike Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein has failed to demonstrate the admirable qualities of personal reasonableness, international compliance, and diplomatic open-mindedness. Kim may be a villain, but there are altogether differing manifestations of villainy and evil, which on occasion happen to include reasonableness, compliance, and open-mindedness. It's a nuance thing. Non-professionals should not try this level of thinking at home.

Furthermore, Iraq is a member of the axis of evil, which we no longer tolerate; it's trying its best to build a bomb; its government oppresses and starves its own people; it threatens its neighbors; and has indeed launched invasions against them. You just cannot compare Iraq and North Korea, you see, especially given that North Korea might very well have nuclear bombs and Iraq doesn't. Hence it would be foolish to regard North Korea as the greater threat to international peace. In addition, in view of North Korea's crushing poverty and starvation, it might be more amenable to diplomatic pressures: food for weapons. Not so with Iraq. Its population is happy, well fed, and prosperous, thus diplomatic pressures would be of no use.

If you're following this and in agreement, there's an office somewhere in the White House basement that needs you.

What's more, the administration presses, Iraq has used unspeakable weapons against its enemies and has a history of invading two of its neighbors. Should someone ever inform our president that the United States once used the ultimate in unspeakable weapons against an enemy and has a history of invading its only two neighbors, he just might, Scarlett, get the vapors. So we don't give a damn.

If nothing else, continue the morally astute, relatively quasi-evil North Korea pines for massively destructive weapons only to deter invasion--an honorable tradition among honorable nations--whereas Iraq (hiss…) desires them to bully others (hiss…). This stands in starkest contrast to our National Security Strategy statement issued September 20, in which for the first time in our history we embrace a policy of preemptive strikes: no bullying intended (yea…). We might even deploy small nuclear weapons able to burrow underground in these strikes. Some might protest this would place us somewhere betwixt quasi-evil North Korea and wholly evil Iraq on the Evil Spectrometer, but they don't understand nuance.

Nor do these critics understand the fundamental moral imperatives of oil and airbases. Some time ago the administration issued a wholly justified and solemn pledge to ferret out al Qaeda and all its funding sources, no matter who or where those sources might be. Again, however, this position has required some nuance. Because we get gobs of Saudi oil and can launch air strikes against Iraq from Saudi Arabia, wealthy Saudis who finance al Qaeda should be given a pass. We need these guys so we can attack Iraq, which we need to attack because it supports terrorism, which of course is financed by Saudi Arabians, whom we desperately need in order to crush terrorism--QED.

Administration supporters who've been blanketing the airwaves and op-ed pages accusing administration critics of lacking alternative proposals are, in a way, correct. For what the latter has yet to figure out is, an alternative to what? Bush's moral logic as the guiding principle of foreign policy? That tends to transmogrify daily, steeping domestic critics and the world in utter befuddlement. St. Tom himself would be stumped.

© Copyright 2002 P. M. Carpenter

Mr. Carpenter's column is published weekly by History News Network and buzzflash.com.